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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 113 (some duplicates have been removed)
nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. this year new hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where your pharmacist will soon look like this. (laughter) the dude prescribes. (laughter) and folks, the war on nugs used to have a strong ally on cnn's dr. sanjay gupta who opposed legalizing pot until now. >> i want to remind you that in 2009 you wrote a "time" magazine article entitled why i would vote no on pot. you changed your mind. >> i have. and as part of, you know, my thinking, the reason, i have apologized for some of the earlier reporting because i think, you know, we've been terribly and systemically mislead in this country for some time. and i did part of that misleading. >> stephen: wait a second, we were misinformed by a cable news doctor? (laughter) next you'll tell me i can't get directions to my cousin's house from fareed zakaria's gps. come on fareed, less on syria, more on how i get to where greg lives. (laughter) it's bad enough that is an jay gupta or as i now call him ganja soupta, okay-- (laughter) a g
? >> stephen: really? is that really who you want to burn down with, america? (laughter) yeah, sure, you thought it was funny when your friend said dude, let's get the dog high. but how funny will it be when he says dude, let's eat the dog's penis. now who are the kids going to look up to at cnn? wolf blitzer, you're our only hope. but at least, folks, there are some celebrities we can still look up to thanks to stories like this. >> john malkovich usually not cast as a hero but is being credited with helping safe a man, real life. the acker helped a 77-year-old man who tripped on the sidewalk and then slashed his throat on some scaffolding. widnesses say that malkovich ran over, applied pressure to the man's neck and waited for an ambulance. >> stephen: truly heroic. and it is malkovich so probably a little creepy. and he is not hollywood's only hero. >> there was no special effects. it was the real thing when actor ryan gosling clutched a woman from the path of a speeding taxist when a 17-year-old flipped his mustang t was patrick dempsey to the rescue prying the boy out. >> does tin h
, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who funded the hero so i'm more important than the hero. but a new crisis may force me to dust off my red, white and blue nuthugger. jim? >> the winter olympics in russia are just about six months away and there is growing controversy over new antigay laws and about the safety of gay people visiting russia. also gay athletes. >> a russian law unanimously passed in parliament allows for fines and arrests over anything deemed gay propaganda displayed in front of children. >> so how will this be enforced? does this really mean if someone was waving a rainbow flag or peacefully demonstrating or talking to young people about their life that they could be arrested? apparently yes. >> stephen: yes. russia will not tolerate the gays. now this makes sense, folks, because their preside
hosting "the doily show" america's greatest satirical lace centerpiece program. (laughter) he is eviscerating that lace work and that's a direct copy quote. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years! (laughter) that's over 50 new iphones from now. (laughter) why are we talking about this election? that brings us to yet another installment of "can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back?" (laughter) seriously! this is my last week doing this! it's not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, it's this some of them are already trying to wind it down. >> i predict the hard right is going to take over
the egg and then rubbing it all over his face. (applause) look, america, america, look at me. our elections do not need to take as long as they currently do. there is another way. and the proof of that have is right under your feet-- through several layers across the mud, australia. >> prime minister kevin rudd has put an end to weeks of speculation, he's called an election for september 7. >> john: the whole election season is just one month long. four weeks! that's like only three new iphones from now! (laughter) you know what that means? we need to launch our full coverage of down-under-cision 2013. (laughter) (as an australian) that's not a campaign, this is a campaign! brought to you by koalas. koalas, like if teddy bears were alive and surprisingly aggressive. koalas. australia might have something to teach us when it comes to democracy starting with this: >> in australia, they have a compulsory voting system so everyone is required to register to vote and to turn out to vote and if they don't they're fined. >> that's right, it's illegal not to vote there. they spend a huge
. and these days i can burn carbon to my heart content because america is enjoying a new golden age of flamm able. >> there are 36,000 fracking wells in this country. thousands more open up every year. the price of natural gas has dropped 86% from its high in 2008. we're actually about to start exporting it. >> you could wipe out the unemployment problem in this country overnight by fracking. >> an extraordinary ability now for america to extract its oil and natural gas and, you know, become, you know, energy independent, it's amazing, mazing for america. >> stephen: yes, it's absolutely amazing. energy is so cheap i can finally rolize my dream of making my furnace and air conditioner fight. (laughter) who loves me more, boys. america has found the goose that lays the golden egg. unfortunately, it is pooping all over our house. >> it killed the pond. it killed the fish. killed everything in the pond, no frogs, no turtles, nothing. >> they're poisoning you. and they're telling you there's nothing wrong. and you're the only one that has a problem. >> my kids started getting sick early on in the dri
windows because america is in a state of panic. i hope you're wearing a clean diaper because the united states government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice. they may not be safe this month. >> a global travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. that's after sources say there's growing intelligence that al-qaeda is planning an attack. as a precaution, the u.s. is closing 22 embassies and consulates. >> u.s. officials say an attack could happen anywhere in the world at any time. it could happen literally at any moment. >> stephen: yes, an attack is imminent, any moment, anywhere, any time. look to your left. look to your right. both of those people could be terrorists. and what about that guy in the middle who keeps looking around so much? what's he planning? folks, this warning is exactly why we invested hundreds of billions of dollars in our intelligence gathering, surrendered our privacy and let the n.s.a. turn the constitution into a choose your ow
. [ cheers and applause ] but we start tonight with a subject everybody loves: taxes. who in america doesn't grow up excitedly leaving a box of your old receipts at the foot of your bed on april 15 eve hoping that if you've been good an accountant from the north pole will show up on his magic sleigh and reward you with a surprisingly large invoice from the government? but did you know that our tax system is somehow not universally beloved? >> we need to overhaul our tax code. >> the tax code is broken. it's not fair. >> it is inefficient. our tax code is one of the worst in the world. >> simplify the tax code. we need to change our tax code. >> john: whoa, watch your mouth. you can't just talk to codes like that. they're very sensitive. this is exactly the kind of criticism that drove the morse code to suicide. for all of you morse code fans. yes, look, we all think the tax code needs pruning every now and again. that is why we do it, i imagine, every three to five years. >> our tax code hasn't been reformed since 1986. that's 27 years. >> wow. to put that in perspective, the tax reform ac
the honor of being the only town in america where you could say "way to go, einstein" and have an old man say "dang a shane." (laughter) now, the 12th is also home to supreme court justice antonin scalia, meaning that clarence thomas insists he's from there, too. if you're in the 12th don't miss a night out with the minor league trenton thunder. they're always doing something new like the april 30 organ donation awareness night which, coincidentally, was also dollar hot dog night. (cheers and applause) and who has the jersey boys to represent such districts? why, none other than democratic congressman and physicist rush holt. i sat down with representative holt in chairs. congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> good to be with you, stephen. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 12th. >> it has ethnicities more diverse than you can imagine. you go into a public school in anywhere in that part of the state and you'll find maybe 25 different languages spoken at home. >> stephen: you're the congressman for new jersey's 12th but you are running to be the new senator from ne
's a great bond between england and america. we understand breakfast. >> stephen: i understand. i apologize. >> thank you. stephen: i apologize. jazz is the america's greatest gift to the world. >> i would say jazz is america's greatest gift. >> stephen: really? not to denigrate other gifts. blues i think of as a sub set of jazz. >> stephen: all right. you know what england's greatest gift to the world is? america. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. stephen: hugh laurie. the album is "didn't it rain"? we'll be right back. ¢-2 s$óÑ [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, thank you so much. folks, it's no secret i love television and unless you're watching this online tomorrow, you do too. and if you are watching this online tomorrow, remind me to pick up my dry cleaning because i'm pretty sure i think i will have forgotten. of course, especially i love base i believe cable and my network comedy central, which is part of mtv networks whose parent company is viacom which is wholly owned by dr. sinister. good luck blowing up
of justice announced today it is going after bank of america, doj says america's second largest bank lied about the riskiness of 850 million dollars in shares of home loans that were sold to investors. >> another big bank could be facing trouble from the federal government. >> jpmorgan chase reports that a preliminary justice department investigation found the bank did indeed break the law while selling residential mortgage bonds from 2005 to 2007. >> yes! accountability. (cheers and applause) >> we got them, baby! whooo! >> accountability. >> yes! yes, sure, justice has been a long time coming but that is just going to make it all the sweeter now. so let's start with bank of america. how many people are going to jail? and just for the sake of simplicity round it up to the nearest 100. >> this is a civil suit so no one is going to jail. (laughter) no one, really? that's-- now i'm to the going to be needing these celebration doves i was going to release. (laughter) we didn't drill holes in the box-- hold on, hold on, no, there's a note to. to whomever finds us. i think it was a suicide. th
: so after five years what surprises you most about walt? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back to america's got talent. tonight 12 acts are leaving everything they've got out here. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what is this i'm feeling? ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: woooo! yes, sir. is everybody happy? (audience booing) >> stephen: we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thanks so much. thank you. thanks, everybody. please, we've got to... folks, welcome back to the colbchella '01, the song of the century of the year of the summer or whatever. i don't know. thank you for joining me for the end of my career. brought to you by hyundai. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: i never thought it would end like this. i never... i didn't. i didn't think it would end like this. i always imagined i'd be crushed under a collapsing pile of emmys. what am i going to do? the only thing that can possibly save me now is some global pop sensation who can perform a mega hit considered by many to be the song of the summer and who just happen to be in my audience right now. >>
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 113 (some duplicates have been removed)

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